In the beginning, after the plants and animals had
been created out of nothing, God decided to produce a woman to care for the beauty
within the Garden of Eden. He had made one woman before, but we all know how
that turned out. He destroyed that story and started all over. God was not
going to make a young, foolish woman again, but instead, a wise old grandmother
named Betty.
Betty had grey, luscious hair that flowed to the
ground and never tangled. Her eyes, surrounded by her winkled skin, were as
blue as the Atlantic Ocean. Betty enjoyed hiking up the ice-capped mountains as
well as swimming in the lagoons buried within the valleys. Her breath was taken away each day by the beauty that surrounded her. Her wisdom somehow exceeded her old
age.
As she was headed to her garden one morning, she
walked by the tree of knowledge of good and evil. She admired its large fruits,
but she remembered back to the legendary guidebook from the good Lord above.
This was a storybook of the first beginning that didn't work as well as planned.
Betty was well read. There was only one book in the whole garden though so she
had the time to read the guidebook 52 times during her off time. She was not
going to let her sharp mind trick her own knowledge of the tree.
She just skipped along and gave the tree no more attention, but as she
passed, her curly hair got stuck on one of the roots and yanked her whole body
to the ground. She gasped so loudly the antelopes and deer rushed to her side.
As she inspected the knot, she began to get confused how her hair could get
that tangled up in such a short amount of time.
She told the antelope to gather some of the strongest animals in the garden
to help her escape the wretched tree. After a few hours passed of pure struggles.
Betty’s wisdom rushed to her brain and they prayed for help. Whala! God gave
her the most brilliant idea. After gathering over the rhinoceroses, she gave
them the instructions to uproot the tree. The two little fellows did as they
were asked and used their horns to take the tree from the ground in only
seconds. Betty thanked the polite, kind animals and continued on to the garden, with
the tree attached to her hair. She used the opportunity to strengthen her neck
muscles. Sin never entered the world, and the woman became extremely strong.
Author’s Note: This tale was based
on the first story of the Bible about Adam and Eve, which was written by Moses.
The original story, Eve ,
was taken from the Mythology and Folklore UN-Textbook (2014). God made Adam and
Eve as the first human beings to live freely in the Garden of Eden. They only
had one rule, which was to not eat of The Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil,
but after some time, Eve was tempted by the serpent and decided to eat of its
fruit. After both Adam and Eve ate the fruit, they understood their depravity
and nakedness. They were then driven out of the garden.
I created the story
as if God realized his first creations were too young and stupid, so He needed
to create older wiser people instead if He expected them to follow His
directions. Now that He made Betty, a lovely grandma, there is no longer a need
for other humans to destroy the beauty of the garden. I wrote the story with a
twist in third person. I spoke to the audience to better connect with my reader.
The image is of God
(in human form) talking to Adam and Eve amongst all the peaceful animals. There
are other people in the image, but those should be discarded for the sake of my
new version of the story of Eve.
This story is part of the Bible Women unit.
Story source: King James Bible (1611):
Genesis 2 and Genesis 3 [LIBRIVOX AUDIO].
Your story was very creative!! Haha I love that you had God throw away the story of Adam and Eve and start from scratch. It was a very creative story and it was very well written. I also like how the animals came to Betty's rescue when her hair got tangled in the tree. I like how the tree was uprooted and there wasn't any sin.
ReplyDeleteBrooke,
ReplyDeleteOverall I really enjoyed reading your story and thought you took a very creative spin on the traditional way the story was told. One thing I think you succeeded on was the word choice you used when describing the type of hair that Betty had and how blue her eyes were, like the Atlantic Ocean. Even aside from that part in particular, I think you did a very good job using adjectives to describe everything and it made me feel like I was there, like I could picture perfectly what was going on and what everyone and everything looked like.
One thing I would be careful of is punctuation. In the last paragraph, you said, “After a few hours of pure struggles. Betty’s wisdom rushed to her brain and they prayed for help.” I’m sure you mean for the period after struggles to be a comma but accidentally put a period. It’s easy to overlook those things as I’m sure I do them too. Also I like how you separated your story into paragraphs because it helps the story flow and allows the story to not seem overwhelming in one big lump sum. It also allows for you, the author, to change location or jump to a different part of the story like you did between paragraphs two and three. If they had been all in one, it might have been confusing to readers.
Brooke - Thanks for the good read! I really liked your creative twist to the story of Adam and Eve. It was fun to see another side take to this well-known story and even add a little humor! I thought you did a great job writing tis in modern type compared to the text which was in King James Version.Saying "God destroyed that story and started all over" in you introduction was a great way to show the reader your story's style right from the get go. You did a great job giving a visual for how Betty looked and used food descriptive words to make the reader really fell like they know who Betty is. I liked how you brought this somewhat heavy story and made it much more light-hearted!
ReplyDeleteOverall, you did great and there were few errors! My only change would be expanding your sentences to have more than just "Betty did this..." "Then she said this." I think getting even more creative and descriptive and maybe by adding another chapter could give this story even more humor and originality!
Great story!!
This story flowed very well. You retold the original story as a history-lesson of sorts in the past tense. It seemed that you didn’t give the original story the time of day after the “new” story began. This seemed to completely change the emotion of the tale. It went from being sinful and dark to clever and optimistic. The readers would never know how the actually passage felt, which might be a good thing. Your use of adjectives helped me to paint the picture of your new story. I loved the line about her blue eyes and wrinkled skin. This made her look old but have a childlike mind. I always think blue-eyed characters are young at heart. Your grammar, at least to my knowledge, was also very good. It might be fun to have some dialogue between the old woman and the animals, especially to thank them for their efforts to free her. What words would she have used? Would she have said it excitedly or seriously?
ReplyDeleteI loved your story! I thought it was so creative and fun to read! I loved how you set up the story with your descriptions of your character and and and the imagery you created in describing her activities in the garden. I also thought the ending was fun and how she used the opportunity with the tree attached to her hair as a way to strengthen her neck muscles.
ReplyDeleteBrooke, this was a great story! You had a very nice flow throughout the story that made it pleasant to read. You also had a great use of descriptive words that made it that much easier to envision the characters and background. The line about her eyes being as blue as the Atlantic Ocean was perfect. I really loved how you said God just destroyed the first story of the woman he made and started from scratch. It made me just think of a writer tearing off a page and starting anew. The only mistake I noticed was a missing comma in between struggles and betty in these sentences “After a few hours passed of pure struggles. Betty’s wisdom rushed to her brain and they prayed for help.” One thing I would add is maybe some of the rules from her guidebook that she has to follow. Like maybe she could say something about the rules from her book if she sees one of the animals committing an infraction. This was a great story overall!
ReplyDelete